Quote:
Originally Posted by ThirtySomething
It's not that I don't understand and see things the way the rest of you are describing, but I'm with Laurie here.
I have a different definition of bullying.
I also will not miss a chance to "teach" an impulsive/aggressive kid that their method of communication is not ok rather than just symbolically shrugging my shoulders and giving up. I will help my child communicate to the other child. As and adult I will also communicate with offending child.
I have heard of long-term instances of kids being tormented and bullied (how do you spell that word?  ) However, I think much of the generic stuff we're talking about is much ado about nothing.
*slinking away now...* |
Oh, I so agree. Erik is a kid who has both "bullied" and has been bullied. When he is bullying, it is not because he's a mean kid, or he's trying to hurt someone. He doesn't always get how to behave appropriately in social situations, and he imitates what other kids do--except while other kids instinctually know to be subtle about it, Erik doesn't, so he gets caught.
Anyway, it is sooo helpful to him to have others use positive language while not allowing the behavior. I'm so appreciative of another parent who says, "Mary doesn't like it when you treat her that way. It hurt her feelings." or something like that. It is great when someone goes to the teacher, and the teacher (whom we love) can work it out with them, and talk to Erik about appropriate behavior.
For example, Erik was having some issues with standing in line--he was pushing and even spit once at another kid. his school is very proactive, so they asked us to come in, and Carl, ERik, and I met with the teacher. We told her some strategies that worked for us, and Erik talked about what would help him. She talked to him about why it was inappropriate behavior, and we talked about how his friends didn't like it. She outlined for him what would happen if he pushed or spit in line (he would have to go to the back of the line and hold her hand), and she and Erik decided on a signal if he seemed to be having difficulty.
With that great intervention, he started doing great in line. Then there was one day he had a very hard time. After talking to him about it, I found out that he had left the line, then come back, but the kids wouldn't let him come back into his spot. He had no concept of "cutting" in line, and he was so upset that the kids were, in his mind, being mean to him. He responded aggressively, which of course isn't appropriate, but understanding the situation made a big difference in how we dealt with it--we just needed to explain to him the unspoken rules of standing in line.
Anyway, all that is to say that in those situations, how people often WANT a bully to be handled wouldn't have helped Erik at all. Many schools have the kids stay in from recess, or there is some sort of complex system with colored cards. Instead, we figured out what the issue was, and we dealt with it. It involved another adult caring about Erik, and being willing to see him as a kid, not just as a bully.
Now, when Erik has been bullied or teased by other kids, I also don't make a big deal out of it, though it really hurts my mama heart. But I do tell him to tell his teacher. Not in a tattling way, but so that she can help that child know that his or her behavior is hurtful and not appropriate.
Having a child like Erik has made me really sympathetic for kids who are "bullying" though. I realize that many of them may just need to be "taught" what is appropriate behavior, and I'm more than willing to communicate that when necessary.
I also remember Linda's story with her DD in school--how she went into the school and volunteered for quite awhile, and modeled appropriate behavior and gently corrected inappropriate behavior. That was an inspiration to me.