Kerri

iTrader: 4 / 100%

I don't know if there are any Mamas here who've adopted older children? If you haven't been there, I'm going to sound really harsh and unfit, so please don't judge me for this. It is just so so so so so so so hard to love her sometimes. Everything can be going fine, and she's improving and doing better then all of a sudden our progress is gone and she's acting up again.

For example, we finally have gotten her to stop swearing at me, which has been a long haul. I don't think I should have to be screamed at and called a ***** by a 5-year-old, so we have worked hard on helping her see that it's absolutely unacceptable. Actually, it's having other people see this behaviour and be so shocked that's finally gotten through to her. So, that's a victory I suppose. She hasn't done it for a couple of weeks anyway.

However, tonight I went out to get school supplies, which was, as always, a freakin' nightmare. I've put it off as long as I can and they're supposed to bring them to school tomorrow. So I explain to her that I'm leaving and Daddy's going to put her to bed and everything's fine and I know she can be brave, etc. She seems okay with it. An hour and a half later I get home, hauling everything in from the car, and I can hear her gasping and hyperventilating from crying. Basically she's screamed herself sick ever since I left. Yes, I should probably feel sorry for her, but honestly this is such bull**** it just makes me angry! After two years I still have to be held hostage by her?

I understand she had abandonment issues, etc. Yes, I understand all the abuse from her birthmother that has screwed her up for her whole life. But how long do we have to suffer through this? It's time for her to act normal, because I don't have an ounce of strength to deal with it anymore. I'm just so so so so so tired of all this. Are we never past this stuff?

This is just more manipulation. She used to puke if I did anything she didn't like, like sleep downstairs or something out of the ordinary (sometimes I'd sleep on the futon with the baby because Dave went to bed late or had to get up early or something.)

And I love her. But I don't like her. It surprises me how angry she makes me. I feel like we've done everything we can to attach to her. I think I just have alot of resentment that she's cost us SO much emotionally and ease-and-happiness-wise and we still have to deal with this crap. Like we've paid the price and for what? She's still controlling everything. I still feel like I'd walk away from her quite frequently if there was an easy way out. I'm sorry to admit this guys, it's so personal and vulnerable.

I feel like she's the high price I've had to pay to have Noah, and that just breaks my heart (we adopted them together.) I don't want to be a psycho Mum who doesn't like her kid. I know it's not her fault she was born to somebody so dangerous and unfit. I really do. But I do think she has choices in how she acts now, and she's choosing to act up more than necessary. Everything she does is to somehow make a point, even if it makes no sense.

Anyway, I just had to cry here. I'm so worn out with it all.

Kerri

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Mama to Cole (8), Naomi (7), Adam (7), and Noah (4)
All adopted - All breastfed
Wife to David for 12 years!
Breastfeeding Counsellor and Doula
Waiting to hear back about my midwifery school application.
UPDATE 1/Oct/2009: I Got In. Holy Crap. I Guess We Are Working On Moving To New Zealand In January 2009!