Pondering gentle discipline and my daughters

Discussion in 'Gentle guidance' started by Maura, Jun 11, 2007.

  1. Maura

    Maura Gene Genie

    Messages:
    5,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fortress Bragg
    Thinking about my shortcomings and what I can do to be a better mother.
    I recently purchased and just started reading Kid Cooperation. My vow to myself is to be the most gentle mom I can while raising my girls to be respectful and considerate. I would *really* like to be the female Fred Rogers. Unfortunately, I am not!
    Ava has always been a moody child. I have lately been raising my voice way too much when dealing with her complaining. An example: Me, "Ava, I would like you to clean you room and make sure all of your toysare in your closet." Her, "I'm too tired!" me, "So, why don;t you take a nap and then do it?" her, "I don't want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Me, "Well, you can either clean now or take the nap and do it after." Her, whine, grumble, cry, moan.....Me, "Get in your room and clean it up!" I have no patience:(
    And that's just Ava:(
  2. Mrs. Mommy

    Mrs. Mommy Breathe

    Messages:
    1,293
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Kansas
    It's a hard job sometimes, isn't it? :) :hug:
  3. MotherMoon

    MotherMoon Super Crunch in AL

    Messages:
    2,101
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    somewhere between complete exhaustion and utter eu
    I haven't read that one yet. It has been on my list for a long time. Hold On To Your Kids and Unconditional Parenting are most inspiring to me. For my girls, with rooms, I clean with them but less and less as they age. Beth can and will not, clean her room on her own, being asked. Samantha still needs me to help her a good bit. I do give them deadlines for getting it done or it interferes with family functions. It helps a great deal to have labeled boxes and baskets for Every little thing.
  4. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

    Messages:
    5,144
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Somewhere between blister and bliss!
    nak

    I have that book and haven't read it yet. elez. pantley is pretty pragmatic and gentle.

    I think one of the hardest parts about any discipline is understanding that the reaction we get is not personal. Even with positive discipline, a child may be irritated with us.

    For the longest time I could not figure out why certain requests were met with such resistence or arguing. The, one day I realized that my kids are not me. They aren't me as a kid. They aren't me as an adult. I know that we all know this, but I sometimes still expect them to feel the same way about something that I did as a kid or to respond as an adult would.

    When kids are little, I tend to focus on respecting my requests and following through. However, when my kids get older like Ava and even my 6 yr old, I try to start thinking of requests in terms of "time management". I begin to give them guidelines and let them fit it more into their schedule. The caveat is that my requests must be met before X. It works like this:

    Today my kids were invited to go over to a friend's house. However, today I wanted them to clean their rooms. I want them to do both. So, this is what I said:

    "N. invited all of you over. Before you go, you need to remove your bed linens, clean up your rooms, vaccuum and dust. You also need to be fully dressed with your teeth and hair brushed. It is 10:00. We're leaving around 12:15".

    My 9 yr old, very clear on the details, went straight to his room, and did it all. My 6 yr old geared up for a fight. After clarifying that he had plenty of time (he does not like to be rushed!), he went right in and did the linens. My 4 yr old did nothing. :D

    The 6 yr old came out a whole bunch of times. He needed some direction. I gave him clear instructions. Meanwhile, my 4 yr old still did nothing. :D

    After more instruction for the 6 yr old, he got dressed and did his hygene routine. He is now done and it is around 11 am. My 4 yr old has done nothing. :D

    What will happen is that I will remind him of his duties. I will still tell him about time (you have 1/2 hour left. You have 15 minutes left, etc... when I feel like it.) I'll tell him right before lunch that we will be leaving right after. He'll then rush around to get it done. I will be walking down the driveway probably and he will be catching up OR he will come through for me and he will have used his own time management skills to figure out how to complete it.

    There is very little "because I said so" in my family because when I need to "say so", they fully understand.

    My kids have an incredible concept of time at a very early age even if they do not tell time. I think it is because they get a chance to learn how to effectively get their tasks done in the time allotted.

    I do offer tips:

    1. Are you sure you have time to X? Your tasks are still undone and we are leaving in 15 minutes
    2. I have concerns that you won't get done in time.
    3. Start with the X. Then, move to the Y.
    4. I'll help pick up the laundry

    HTH!
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2007
  5. Maura

    Maura Gene Genie

    Messages:
    5,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fortress Bragg
    I guess my biggest beef is that Ava will be eight in July and *still* fights us every single time she has to do something she doesn't enjoy doing. I am *so* tired of listening to the complaining. i try to explain why it needs to be done in a firm but kind manner, but she yells and cries, then dh starts yelling because he doesn't like her attitude...I guess I am tired of being a referee and hearing all of the complaints. Dh says, "Get her to clean that room." I then tell her it needs to be done and she gets angry...ugh!!! And yes, I do assign her tasks on my own. I'd rather do it when it's just the kids and me so I only have one yelling individual (Ava).
    So, do I tell her if you do not do X by this time you lose X privilege? or is that considered punishmnet and not consequence? you'd think I'd have this worlded out by now!
  6. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

    Messages:
    5,144
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Somewhere between blister and bliss!
    Good things happen when their tasks get done. So, yes, if they had not done what I asked, they would not go to N.'s house.

    Our motto is:

    "Your family gets your best or no one gets the rest."

    To me a punishment is: You didn't clean your room, so no TV for the rest of the day." OR

    Things that are "optional" do get cut when basic tasks are left undone.

    I always consider too, "what's the big deal?" when assigning tasks. They have to clean their rooms as least once per week. I encourage them to spend a few minutes each day so there won't be a ton to do once a week.

    gotta run. will be back more later.
  7. tarablesue

    tarablesue ~PeAce~

    Messages:
    8,086
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    O-H-I-O
    :hug: i totally know what you mean ,Maura!":hug:
  8. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

    Messages:
    5,144
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Somewhere between blister and bliss!
    I'm curious about other examples too.

    It does sound like she likes to be in control. While a parent has to and should be the overseer of all, it sounds like she is ready for some time management of her own and the chance to prove that she can get things done.

    I go from the inside out:

    1. hygene
    2. The families living spaces
    3. Your personal space.

    Those are the things that I always like taken care of and in that order.

    I set parameters: X needs to be done today and by X (if it applies).

    They fit it into their schedules. If it doesn't work, we re-group:

    Me: Our current situation isn't working. When you play video games first, you don't want to do your required tasks. What can you do to change that?

    Sometime they want another chance and I give it to them after I have made it very clear what I want:

    Me: We can continue on the way it is. However, if I continue to get a bad attitude and substandard work, we'll have to change to tasks first, then video games.

    So I say that you should ask her how she intends to get things done. Give me some more examples if you like. :)

    ETA: A child will require asking and follow-up if you continue to ask and follow-up. :) I found this out the hard way. If they constantly seem to need a reminder it is probably because they constantly get one, therefore, they are relying on us to follow-through.
  9. Maura

    Maura Gene Genie

    Messages:
    5,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fortress Bragg
    okay...for the past twenty minutes the girkls and I have been relaxing and eating apple slices. I then asked Ava to stop playing and pick up the toys/books around the living room before bed. I gave her a few minutes, but she was continuing to fool around. I sadid, "Ava, I asked you to pick up the toys/books and they are still on the floor. Please pick them up." She yelled out, "I DID!" I showed her what needed to be picked up. I have now had to ask her to stop running and yelling with Stephanie and pick up the books.
    What am I doing wrong? I'm sure it's obvious to everyone but me:)
    ETA: I do tell her that I do not like to be yelled at...dh is a yeller. And *I'm* turning into one as well:(
  10. ~Meeshi~

    ~Meeshi~ Also Known As Michelle

    Messages:
    6,970
    Likes Received:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    In our house it would work like this:

    "You girls have 10 minutes to clean up and if you get it done by then I will have time to read you two stories. If you get it done faster, we will have time for 3 stories. If you don't get it done by then, we will not have time for stories and you will not be able to get more than one book ata time out tomorrow."
  11. Maura

    Maura Gene Genie

    Messages:
    5,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fortress Bragg
    So, i could say, "If you do not do X by X time no reading in bed tonight." She loves to read herself to sleep. But how do i know what is punishment and what is a logical consequence??? I'm really confused.
  12. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

    Messages:
    5,144
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Somewhere between blister and bliss!

    :rub:

    What's Stephanie doing? Did she pick up books?

    I just think you are too involved. You told her what you wanted. Let her do it. I do similar as Meeshi though (minus the next day's punishment). I set a time limit IF and only IF the time matters.

    As for yelling at her to stop, approach it from the other directions:

    "Here Stephanie, lets go brush our teeth. Ava needs time to pick up the books."

    Flip it. Instead of saying "no", "allow" her the time to pick it up or accomplish a task by removing the distraction.

    For now, ignore the yelling. We'll get to that after there is more compliance. :)
  13. ~Meeshi~

    ~Meeshi~ Also Known As Michelle

    Messages:
    6,970
    Likes Received:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    I would emphasize "If you *do* get all of your things put away in time, you *will* have some time for books. Otherwise, all of your book time will be used up."

    Oh, and edited to add, I do not see the next day things as a punishment. I see it as a natural consequence to being too overwhemled or tired to clean up all of her stuff at night. What would eliminate that would be to only get 1 (or 5) things out at a time.
  14. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

    Messages:
    5,144
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Somewhere between blister and bliss!
    Oh, and she might need clearer instructions:

    Take this stack of books to the bookshelf.

    Take our plates back to the kitchen

    I'll meet you in your room for book time. I can't wait to see what book you choose.

    Then leave..Don't hover and micro manage (not that you are!). Let her figure it out.
  15. Evergreen

    Evergreen New Member

    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Kill Devil Hills NC
    Off topic- I have an eight momth old Ava and I can tell already she is going to be my firecracker! Must be somethign to do with the name.

    Reading.... and learning...
  16. midwesternmomma

    midwesternmomma New Member

    Messages:
    1,554
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Is Ava having a hard time with transitions? Maybe that is part of the issue? Maybe you could give her more warning about things like saying, Ava, in five minutes we will be done with our snack and start getting ready for bed. (remember, don't end it in ok, that asks if she likes the idea and really that doesn't matter) One more warning, ok, we have a minute left. Then finally, ok, time is up, we need to turn the TV off and start picking up now.

    Also, I like the idea of telling her that her room need to be clean by a certain time every evening. At her age, she can tell time. For example, say that time is 7:30. At 7:15 remind her that her room needs to be completely tidy by 7:30 or she will be encroaching on her book reading time. Reading time is from 7:30 to 8:00 so she will miss that if her room isn't clean.

    I wouldn't argue with her about it honestly, I would just tell her what needs to be done and what will happen if it isn't done. One time I told Gabi to put all of the books she had taken out of her shelf back and she flat out refused. I said, well... ok, it looks like you are too young to have books in your room. I boxed them up and put them away for a week. She never did it again.
  17. Maura

    Maura Gene Genie

    Messages:
    5,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fortress Bragg
    I am so glad I got some responses- sometimes I feel like I am doing this all on my own! I am home with the girls alone most of the time, so I have to be the taskmaster. I don't like that part:) I think part of my problem is that my dh and i are different when it comes to parenting styles. I am much more quiet and he is very do it or no Christmas! I need to be more firm and he (I wish) could probably relax a bit. So, we've confused the girls.
    Would it help if I make a schedule? I am really lax when it comes to set times, etc.., That way she could check off the tasks that she has done before bed.
    I'll be back- have to run to school:)
  18. tarablesue

    tarablesue ~PeAce~

    Messages:
    8,086
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    O-H-I-O
    Exactly the same here.... my DH's end all ,resolve all is "go to your room" :eyes:
  19. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

    Messages:
    5,144
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Somewhere between blister and bliss!
    You're doing a great job. You really are.

    Schedules do help some kids. I didn't end up using a check-off schedule because I didn't want to drop it later and seem wishy-washy.

    I did make a list for my oldest. It listed everything that needed to be done before we left for his classes. He referred to it for about 2 weeks. I left it up for a year or so.

    For that time in his life, it did help. However, I stay away from strict scheduling because I know myself and that I won't be able to stick to it forever. Then, I'd be seen as a pushover when things started getting dropped.
  20. Maura

    Maura Gene Genie

    Messages:
    5,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fortress Bragg
    Okay, so no schedule.
    I feel like the world's dumbest woman. Why can't I see further than "put up a schedule so she can see what she has to do"?? I think of an idea, feel like it's great, then someone comes along and can poke holes in it in two seconds and it makes total sense?? Maybe that's why my parenting is so bad right now. I feel like I have to be spoon fed information that other parents know already- and this is the one thing I thought I was good at:(
    I'm about 2 seconds away from someone posting about my sorry ass on MD.:eyes:

Share This Page