My PPP work

Discussion in 'EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique' started by Percy's Mom, Jan 29, 2009.

  1. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    This could not have come at a better time. I need it but boy is it unpleasant.

    Here's my list:
    1) shooting 45 at age 4 [done-lots and lots of stuff]
    2) lizard bite (age 7) [done-just a little bit attached]
    3) spilled milk rage (age 11) [done-not much emotional energy. resolved or repressed?]
    4) peach ice cream punishment (age 12)
    5) cut leg on vacation (age 7)
    6) car sickness rage (age 6)
    7) punished for cousin's accident (age 5)


    I am tapping on my first - Shooting 45 (age 4).
    I have actually set up an excel sheet to track the things that come up for each so I can work on the sub-issues that emerge.
    When I was a child, in fact until I was almost 30, I adored my father and actually thought he was perfect. I longed to be like him and to be loved by him. Unaware of his profound, fatal flaws that would subsume him and destroy every part of him except his actual life.

    Tapping each and every one of these issues is EXTREMELY difficult as they emerge such profound repressed pain and emotion. It is as if tapping gives birth to emotions that utterly overwhelm leaving me feeling actually worse than before the tapping began. I now know that this is because the tapping is actually unleashing astonishing repression of emotions and I MUST release this stuff though the fear of it is horrific.

    I don't have a choice. I must move forward.

    I am toggling back and forth between using my rational mind and facing my PPP. I love my rational mind, it is safe and good and strong and has protected me my whole life but I also retreat to it to avoid this horrible pain.

    That is why I started this thread, so I could put these "rational" thoughts somewhere - a sort of escape valve - so that I can get back to tapping.

    Tapping on this Shooting 45 has released a powerful experience of extreme conflict of feelings towards my father when I was a young child. I have found an early source of my "paralysis" - these conflicting feelings.

    I wanted to be like my father - but he was misogynistic, so longing to be like him entailed a kind of personal self-denial, self-hatred. That's alot of stuff to open up. Uncovering this conflict which has much more emotional charge to it than the original memory is such a surprise. The intensity went UP rather than down. That is why I have such resistance to this tapping - the intensity goes UP.
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2009
  2. Rhea

    Rhea Tickled by the view

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    I think this is amazing, all that you've uncovered. I'm kind of at a loss for words. I want to cheer for you :woohoo: but at the same time, I know this is deep stuff for you, and don't want you to feel I'm making light of it. You're courageous. :big hug:

    Rhea
  3. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    Wow - such troves of stuff has surfaced

    At I tapped on my 1st issue 13 thoughts emerged to be tapped on further and with each of these even more issues surfaced. I created a spreadsheet to track them. This has really helped!!!

    In the past when these other issues surfaced I would begin to tap on one and the other issues would swirl around emerging as i tapped and I would get very confused and lost as to what to tap next. The spread sheet has given my structure and order and relieved that horrible sense of being overwhelmed.

    Here are some of the profound issues that came up on the 3rd or 4th order:
    *I feel your condemnation and your hatred, your wishing I would disappear
    *I confused pride with being loved
    Pride is inward directed, seeking love was outward directed
    * I never knew what I wanted b/c pursuing my interests was confused with pursuing love and acceptance and was tainted by shame of failing at pursuits
    * I confused failure and rejection

    That's alot of MAJOR stuff to come up from one little memory.
  4. Natalia

    Natalia New Member

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    Be gentle with yourself as you move along.
  5. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    Rhea - your cheering is encouraging!!! Thanks, it is so nice to have encouragement from people who understand EFT and how wonderful it is!!!

    Natalia - I'm afraid I've been taking it easy too long. Now I have a way to address this mess I am finally ready and strong enough to tackle it - slowly but surely! Thanks for your thoughts. It is so nice to have a community to do this work among.
  6. Natalia

    Natalia New Member

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    I was not suggesting you stop! :hug: Rather, that you honor the process and be gentle/nice to yourself. You are doing great work!
  7. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    Thank you Natalia. I am definitely learning to replace that self-critical habit with supportive kindness.
  8. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    "lizard" tapping

    Tapping on Lizard today. Very different from yesterday's work.

    Funny enough, I actually ended up with more global type thoughts rather than more specific ones and yet it feels very productive. I started with a specific childhood memory and ended up with the three important things (b/c I don't know what to call them - not thoughts, not memories, not realizations, not understandings and not exactly issues either):
    1) tired of being angry
    2)tired of being poor
    3)afraid of functioning

    The big issues that emerged at first are not in the least new to me. They are the issues of rejection and the catch22 of needing help but knowing that receiving help would also result in being punished. That was a very common theme in my life - that needing help would result in punishment or condemnation or humiliating belittlement.

    This PPP work is beginning to take on a sense of necessity, not unlike the necessity for food. I am beginning to crave the nourishing release that is starting to happen.

    I am doing this along with Natalia's Prosperity tapping and the brainfunction tapping that she posted. I am finding that i am beginning to be cognizant of a particular physiological response to the old negative brain pattern which allows me to shift immediately and replace those old dysfunctional patterns with new prosperous ones.

    I especially love these tapping points from the LoA Brain Function piece:
    BE: I easily follow through with productive decisions
    UN: I send love and healing to my prefrontal cortex
    CH: I have healthy activity in my prefrontal cortex
    CB: I have optimum blood flow to my prefrontal cortex
    UA: I love setting goals and accomplishing them through my own volition.

    It helps me see how clearly my pre-frontal cortex/executive function can be repaired with EFT.

    Wow! I just had a connection insight! When I was 6, in january, I fell over the banister rail in my home and free fell one story, landing face first. I truly believe that I had sufficient brain injury at that time to compromise my prefrontal cortex. Definitely a memory that needs some tapping. Wonder if PPP or movie would be more productive on that memory. It is certainly complex. I'm not sure how to best tackle it. I suspect I can make real progress on my struggles by focusing on this issue.

    Journaling here about my PPP is very valuable.
  9. Linda

    Linda Amity's Focus Member

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    I am so glad you are journaling here...it is helpful to others to read it!

    Well done!:announce:
  10. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    4th Issue

    I started on my 4th issue - Peach IceCream Punishment

    I thought about skipping it for a day because I felt little emotional energy attached to it and was frustrated that the last 2 issues did not connect with much energy. It was beginning to feel as if something was wrong - repression or complete - but definitely not complete. Anyway I started tapping on this issue anyway and found real anger.

    I have more work to do on it but am struck by the beginning sense that a huge ball of issues is ever so gently beginning to unravel and that as I continue working these issues out of a discipline that I will begin to get more and more "air" around each one and begin to separate the issues and the memories lieing beneath them. Until now there have been such strong emotional charges attached to so many issues with much of it repressed and overlapping and entangled that sorting any of it out has been impossible.

    Here a brief account of the Peach IceCream Punishment with a window into how confusion and rage connect for me.

    As a child, about age 10, my father took my brothers and me and my brother's guest to buy icecream. It was a small walk-in store attached to a dairy. They sold only half-gallon containers. My brother's friend wanted peach ice cream. So, according to the rules of courtesy that our father had taught us, my brother put his vote in for peach as well.

    Here is the rub. My father, who moralized everything including food selection (a whole other subject) did not approve of peach icecream (don't ask) but being the gentleman that he thought he was he allowed my brother and his friend to make the selection of peach. My other brother and I selected something different. When we got home and served up the icecream the peach icecream was horrible. Rather than praising my brother for being courteous, the next day my father punished him by actually forcing him to each peach icecream each and every night until the container was empty. He should have known better!

    I grew up in a world where I couldnt win for losing. No matter how hard I tried to guess the right action there would be a punishment waiting. It happened many times in many ways. Generousity was often rewarded with humiliation - but never in front of other folks - always in the confines of our family so that others never saw this bizarre behavior by our well respected father.

    It was crazy making.
  11. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    Discovery

    As I tap on this Peach Icecream Punishment I discovered a breakthrough process that may enhance my tapping.

    Initially, the tapping exposed extreme emotional reaction - actually painful to experience. It seems to increase as I tap, though I expect that if I continue it will begin to decrease. But that initial increase actually becomes a barrier for me. It is as if I must first experience a shock in order to get to the good stuff - stick my finger in a socket if I want to get to the place of relief.

    But suddenly I had an insight - to interpose tapping on my brain sections like the amygdala, prefrontal cortex and anterior cingulate. This seems to give me enough relief to allow me to continue tapping on the memory.
  12. Linda

    Linda Amity's Focus Member

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    well done. that is neat that the brain stuff is a way to center you and get you one track!
  13. Natalia

    Natalia New Member

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    You're clearing big stuff Percy's mom. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I am learning a lot from you.
  14. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    double binds - images of circles

    As I tap on more of these memories, the images of circles is growing. It is like two broad, curved arrows, implying a circle but pointing directly at each other - on a collision course.

    I understand exactly what this is about. I have known for many years now through psychological therapy that I was caught in double binds at my parents' hand. But knowing it and finding relief from it are very distinct.

    In many ways I understand that I have completed psychotherapy, having found all the issues or as I have called them, the puzzle pieces. For some time now I have wondered why having all the pieces in hand was not enough to release me and set things right in my life. What joy it is to have discovered EFT AND Amitymama! This is definitely the next step - the healing step. As it turns out psychotherapy was the discovery step. The investigations I am doing in the area of neuroscience are providing me a framework within which I can shape and direct my EFT.

    Yesterday and today as I tapped on my 5th and 6th memories, I began to see how linked all of these memories are. It reminds me how powerful the unconscious is pulling together memories which outwardly are distinct and without commonalities, yet it turns out have significant shared emotional underpinnings.

    The link is this circle, the double-bind, the no way out, the things turning in on themselves, the abusive treatment for outcomes of their neglect. It is very difficult to describe, but my parents would set up expectations (that I now see came out of their hoping that things (parenting) would happen w/o their having to do anything) without providing the necessary resources and then punishing (either overtly or covertly) when the desired outcome was not reached.

    This is a vague and very general description but I see how each of these first 7 memories fit this model. I also see how the most prominent problem I am overcoming is an outgrowth of these experiences actually a magnification of them, as though it had to grow large and take over my entire life until I did something about it. It is huge and amorphous like something out of a sci-fi movie.

    Clearly this circle image must be addressed, must be tapped on but I am experiencing a HUGE resistance to doing that. Though I want to deny it, I also recognize that this resistance is proportionate to the pain behind these memories. I know, in spite of the resistance that it is essential that I tap my way through this emotional charge. Without exaggeration, my life depends upon it, not the living, breathing aspect of life but the functioning, flourishing aspect.

    Here is a specific memory and a description of how it fits that abstract generalization of double-bind. Memory 5 is a cut leg on vacation. We had just arrived at the coastal resort and were having lunch around the pool. Waiting for dessert, my brothers and I played around on the lawn. Heading back to our table I attempted to jump over a low brick wall but missed. I cut a gash in my right shin, about an inch and a half. Boy was my father angry. It was inconvenient. It was a long gash but not deep - my shin bone was right there. It was patched up out of a first aid kit and I was told not to swim the rest of the vacation. That was that. When we returned home, a week later I asked my mother to help me change the bandage. She was furious. The wound had a putrid odor and was red and inflamed. She was fit to be tied and excoriated me for the condition of my wound. Later that evening she marched me into my father's study to receive a humiliating reprimand. I was 7. My mother let me know how inconvenienced she was by having to take me to the doctor the next day.

    That 7 year old felt utterly responsible for the horrid condition of her wound. She felt disgusting. Her mother had told her she was. It never occurred to me until tapping now that it was my mother's responsibility to change or help me change my bandage. I didn't even have the necessary bandages and wasn't allowed to use scissors that were needed to cut the tape.

    My bandage had gotten wet in the bath and as I stood at water's edge and knelt in the sand. I can still remember the odor of that sand encrusted wound. But I was 7 and still needed caring for. Even as I write this now I feel defensive about my role in this and fully expect being condemned for not being responsible concerning my injury.

    But here is the double-bind of this experience. I did not receive proper medical attention. It was a Saturday but there was a hospital across the bay - about a half an hour's drive. (I feel the shame even now surrounding the idea that I would cause one of my parents such inconvenience as driving me an hour round trip plus time in an emergency room.) I was not given bandages not tape nor antibiotic cream nor hydrogen peroxide (which was applied with the first dressing) nor any instructions about cleaning and bandaging my wound. I was told not to swim and I didn't. My mother didn't want to be inconvenienced or bothered by caring for me. When she realized that the wound was festering rather than accept her responsibility she thrust it back on me and labeled me "disgusting" and it stuck in my mind and on some level I became "disgusting" and "incompetent" and "inconvenient". I became the problem. I didn't have a problem - I WAS a problem.

    That's a lot of stuff to come up from 6 days of tapping. Now I understand why the first memory was so difficult. So many of the underlying issues are entangled with these and many more experiences so that tapping on one memory opens the flood gates and the full force of the repressed pain comes flooding back.

    I'm still resisting tapping on that circle image. But I needn't fear it now. I must have the courage to move forward. Only good can come of this. I do feel safe here. I could not have done this tapping alone. I definitely needed a place that is supportive and non-judgemental and I am thankful that for this EFT community. You have made it possible for me to do this life saving work.
  15. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    Punished for cousin's accident

    I have been tappng on this 7th memory for several days. Small memories of related events and atttached emotions have come up. Some of the emotions are bundled together under general headings like "anger" and even when I can identify individual emotional charges and tap on them they quickly seem to revert to bundles of generalizations, as though the real work is stuck by a strong magnet pulling the treads back into a string.

    Odd thing - even though I am getting glimpses of the multitude of emotional charges, I don't feel them. I see them almost as labels or facts. This is definitely disappointing as I am strongly aware of how much of my struggle is underpinned by these childhood hurts.

    There is a strong resistance to releasing these emotions and I don't know what to do about it.

    In this particular memory. There was no confusion about whose accident it was. It was not the type of accident that merited punishment of any sort but it made my father angry and someone had to pay and that someone was me. But noone stepped in and did anything about it. not my mother, my aunt, my uncle nor my brothers. In fact, this is the very kind of experience that was repeated often enough that my brothers learned that I could and should be set up as the fall guy - rejected and punished. No small surprised that that pattern continued into adulthood.

    Another, debilitating pattern illuminated in this memory is that I accepted the punishment and started expecting punishments for things outside of my control. I saw myself as flawed and unworthy and a dumping ground of sorts - a kind of a black hole. This image was complicated by my surpressed outrage at the injustice of it all. It is a very complicated ball of thread and tapping feels like an impotent exercise against it's mighty force.

    Any suggestions about how to supercharge my tapping here?
  16. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    1st 7 complete - surprising results

    Well, I have completed my first 7. Sort of on the fence about doing them again or moving on to next 7. I was so surprise by my experiences.

    The first and the last were the most difficult to tap on. When I tapped on the first memory in my list so much stuff spewed out that I started a spreadsheet to keep track of it all.

    As I moved through the memories what came up was less and less until I reached the 7th. It took me several days to get through it. It felt barren, empty, like a huge void in a desert. Finally on day 2 or 3 I got, "Longing" and saw how my longing to connect, as a child, lead to fiascos in friendships and romances throughout my life. That longing took precedent over everything. I had no idea what I really liked or who I really was. I was stuck in an infantile stage needing to connect to mother, father. Now that's embarrassing for a grown woman to recogniza and acknowledge - embarrassing but also freeing.

    On the next day, tapping on 7, the longing persisted into such depths of pain, irreconcilable need until it finally broke like a fever in the night. And when it broke I saw "choice" was there; a choice to step into the longingness or to step into the observational post and opt for something else. That is actually life changing.

    I have lived my life trying to get back on the right track, trying to get that longing acknowledged and fulfilled, always as that little child. It was like trying to drink from a faucet unattached to a water source. But in stepping back into the observational post I can actually see that there are other faucets including ones that bring forth water.

    Now, my job is to keep opting for a real faucet, a functioning faucet.

    When I woke up this morning I was in my comfortable bed warm, not wanting to get up and get going. (Thinking about Natalia's posts on birthing.) And this "choice" or "switch" appeared. I can choose fear, angst and judgement (in that old childhood mode) or I can step out of the shadows of fear and choose determination, moving forward and hope.

    While the choice was simple the action was not but it will be come easier and easier with practice and I know I have made a significant step.

    Time to move onto the next 7 memories. The web of tangled emotions that underlies so much of my experience, so many of my memories is beginning to unravel.

    8) Falling over the 2nd floor railing (age 6)
    9) Broken arm - inconvenient for parents (10)
    10) Locked out of boys poker club (6)
    11) cat guts and molasses (13)
    12) NOLS - achievement not rewarded (11)
    13) learning to ride a bicycle (5)
    14) Offering rejected (8)
  17. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    I thought I could move on but the 7th memory is staying with me. There is an abandonment/rejection/injustice/rage issue that is attached to it which underlies many of my memories and which must be dealt with before I can move on.

    Not surprising to me but disappointing is the fact that the pain from this issue has surged and wrapped a tentacle around my neck. It feels as though it is choking the life from me. I suppose it is but I can fight it. I can release it by tapping on it. It is so unpleasant but I must get beyond it.

    Anyone else have a similar experience when tapping on old memories?
  18. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    I continue to make progress. As I tapped today, I was drawn into a "memory" from early infant or toddler. My mother had some visitors and had me woken from my nap and dressed to come and see her guests. As I tapped I saw the woman who was caring for me caught in enormous emotional conflict and I saw how I was drawn into her conflict and opted to "bond" with her by adapting her conflict. I did the same with my mother's apprehension and uncertainty.

    As I tapped I was aware that thoughout life I had adapted to the negative emotions as a means of bonding and these negative emotions have actually left me alone and stranded.

    This morning I also went online to learn more about this "clicking forward the amygdala" and its proponent TD Lingo. I found a page from his notebooks about dealing with "parents" and his workbooks that encourage his students to think about consciousness.

    Putting all of this together I saw how my lifelong reactions have actually worked against me and I have begun tapping these memories and clicking forward to open my consciousness toward a positive love, creativity and out of a dark ego shamed, defensiveness.

    I would so love to hear some feedback.
  19. Linda

    Linda Amity's Focus Member

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    OK...one thing you can do is describe this feeling of the tentacel being wrapped around your neck....what is the color, size, shape? if it could talk what would it say to you?
    Step back from this feeling and see it in front of you....look at it and tap on it while you are describing it...and look to see if it changes...feel for the changes...listen for changes...
    check in. and look and is it the same, has it changed?

    ANother tip..is...when you have a memory...tap and tun in to the memory..then step into it as the adult you...and you can introduce yourself to the child you...tell her why you are there...tell her about this magical tapping thing that you have that will make her bad feelings go away....

    see if she responds to you..if she does not...keep talking to her..always ASK HER(do not dictate)
    what can you bring to her to make her trust you or make her feel safe? A toy? A cartoon character? a person? tell her you can provide whatever it is she needs to make her feel safe...and when she does...(wyou know this by asking her not telling her) then you can tell her you can tap on her...to help those bad feelings go away...tell her
    "even though I have all these yucky feelings...I am a really amazing kid" while you tap on her.
    when her anxiety/feelings have reduced...then ask her what you can do for her...to make this story work out just the way she wants it too...
    you can advocate for her in the story...and make happen whatever she wants...let her have the good outcomes that she so desires...but dont' do this until she is ready and calmer...she has to trust you before you can do all this.

    then make it happen. you have rewritten the story

    when she is feeling calm and safe...
    check into the origianl story and see if it has any charge on it...if so...ask her what feelings she has, where they are in her body...tap on those...etc.
    when the story is clear
    then you can ask her what she wants to do next?
    if she could go anywhere with you...where would she like to go?
    and go and PLAY with her...enjoy her...imagine the incredibly wonderful feelings of playing with your little self...
    and then...when you are all done..
    hug her...and tell her you will never leave her and if she ever gets scared...or feels bad she can tap with you and play with you and you are there for her. while you hug her...let her fade into your chest....and bring her to the present with you. reorient you to the day and time and place....

    this is how the inner child stuff works..it is so healing...
    I am sure I did not do it justice in this hurried type out.
    Let me know if you have questions.

    {{{hugs}}}
  20. Percy's Mom

    Percy's Mom New Member

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    Oh thanks Linda. I really get it. I am going to give your suggestions a try. As I was tapping earlier, I experienced that baby turning an open heart to those people who were experiencing such dark emotions. It was fascinating to "see" that as a pre-lingual baby, I took on the dark emotions as a means to connect. I could not see this until I had a means to transform that debilitating emotional pain into something bearable and positive.

    I can't wait to try out your suggestions. I am so ready for real healing to take place and to witness and experience outward changes. My heart is profoundly thankful for your kindness and your wisdom.

    I have so longed for community but had unwittingly shut myself out. I believe I have found the door back in. Thanks for your help.

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