Mamax4 and others, please talk about parenting older children

Discussion in 'Gentle guidance' started by ThirtySomething, Apr 3, 2007.

  1. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

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    Laurie, I'm singling you out because you talked about your friend who didn't transition well to having older children.

    What's some good advice? How does one make this transition? Any tips?

    I feel at a crossroads of sorts with my 9 yr old. Clearly, he is still young and needs a lot of parenting. However, he does have different needs than his younger siblings (at 6, 4, and 7 mths). I can perceive a "shift" in our relationship and his need for relationships with friends. It is hard for me to give up that place in his life. How do we balance?

    What's your best advice for remaining a solid and loving presence in their lives without infringing on their personal business?
  2. Kristerae

    Kristerae Amity's Focus Member

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    I never answer these questions because there is so much going on in our household-obviously with my posts this week as well, I feel so imcompetant to give good advice. But your post is not ignored.

    I do want you to know I understand how difficult it is to let them go a bit. Their changes as they approach leaving the nest, even if 10 years away, is so difficult for mama's. :hbeat:
  3. brayg

    brayg Evil Genius

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    I'm going through the same sort of thing w/my 11 yo. It's a difficult transition, especially if you also have littles to deal with at the same time, kwim?
  4. nellebelle

    nellebelle believer of miracles

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    Yeah, I see this coming for us. Our almost 9 year old has started the "not in public mom... jeez" thing with hugs and kisses, lol. Even just a quick hug is met with resistance, and he walked a good 5 feet ahead of us on the sidewalk on the way to the elementary school carnival last week:) This too has been on my mind...
  5. mommymelly

    mommymelly Amity's Focus Member

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    I was so lost for awhile there that I started seeing a behaviorist to help me with my daughter (age 10). Not that she's bad, but she can be disrespectful sometimes and I didn't know how to stop the behavior. What it comes down to is that I have not been consistent enough, nor have I given her very clear boundaries throughout her life (I thought I was though). So I've improved with that and it has gotten a lot better. That was our issue though, other people might have different ones.
  6. Katie

    Katie Amity's Focus Member

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    I can't believe my oldest will be 15 in 3 weeks. Man he is such a cool kid.

    I have a lot of thoughts on this. :) So much so, that I keep writing novels. I'm going to sleep on it and come back with my morning coffee.
  7. Katie

    Katie Amity's Focus Member

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    ....
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2011
  8. Momof6

    Momof6 Amity's Focus Member

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    Stay involved. Personal space is good and well....however, you need to be involved actively and fostering your one-on-one relationship with each of them as they grow into adults.

    Be very open in discussions.

    One thing that I did with my oldest (now 17) is to go out alone with him. Just the two of us. This helped keep our bond strong as he moved into teenage years and kept the lines of communication open. He still tells me everything and I think this is because of the time spent with him during those years right before and through teenage.

    One other thing we have done is to be very open about our discussions re: sex, relationships, puberty, pressures etc.... Having started to be open early on about these topics has ended up really being a blessing. The one-on-one time and the open relationship is important.

    However, you do need to know what they are doing and when and with whom. This is not an invasion of privacy.....it is parenting a teenager.

    We've had zero troubles other than the regular and expected mood swings and some language.

    Other than our 17 year old son, we also have a 14 year old daughter, a son who is nearly 13, a daughter who just turned 12, and a 8 year ols son.

    I have found that parenting is more involved and intense into the teenage years. However, I LOVE my teens and we are reaping what we have sown in those years leading up to this time.

    (I know you did not ask me....but I'm one of the "older" moms here so I answered) *lol*

    Michelle
  9. Momof6

    Momof6 Amity's Focus Member

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    Oh, one more thing!

    Have something in your own life that takes you beyond "mom". Not only does your child move into their own space and interests as they get older...but seeing that you have a life beyond being "mom" is really healthy.

    Again, I can't stress more that you be open, open, open (starting now) about sex and relationships. (and pressures relating to not only that, but drinking) I have noticed over the years that our family/friends who are not willing to discuss openly with their children in these areas are more often the ones who find themselves grandparents at a very young age or have a child who gets into trouble with underage drinking. I honestly have seen this many many times. If your child can't come to you.....well, think of where they are going to go to get their information and education in these areas?

    Ok...enough. *lol* This is close to my mind lately because our nephew (on husbands side) got a 14 year old girl pregnant and this is a 3rd generation "problem" in my husbands side of the family....and they have never been open to talking and educating their children about these things. I've also seen this happen with many families not related to us over the years. When it is a "taboo" topic to even talk about, well.....that does not stop it from happening, KWIM?

    Michelle

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