Do you ever get used to it?

Discussion in 'Working Mamas' started by Chickapea, Mar 15, 2010.

  1. Chickapea

    Chickapea Guest

    I do not know if it is just because I have a horribly guilty conscience or what. I constantly feel guilty. CONSTANTLY.

    Work called today to see if I could work (spur of the moment, like can you come in NOW). DH was not feeling well so I begged off. I have been here getting all kinds of things done, but it's not good enough (in my mind) because I am not at work and I let them down.

    Tomorrow I have to work and I will be down on myself because I am not at home getting things done and being with the kids.

    :vent:

    It's not other people, it's me. I just cannot live up to my own standards. I cannot be the best that I can be for everyone. I love being a mom and I love my job, but I am expecting 100% from myself doing both and I cannot do it and cannot figure out how to stop expecting it of myself or stop feeling guilty when I cannot do that 100% at both places.

    I need a clone. :badidea:
  2. marjen

    marjen Go!

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    You don't get used to it exactly - you change. To adjust I practice being in the present as much as possible - so when at work, think work and do work 100%, when at home, think home and do home 100% - or as much as you can. Practice. Practice. Practice. And try hard not to sweat the small stuff - easier said than done, I know. Also, I find that when I am stuck on a thought (i.e. this needs to be done at home, or I have not done whatever at work to the best of my ability) 9 times out of ten my brain is stuck on the thoughts because I am tired. Sometimes exhausted.

    (I telecommute but I work 9-5 in my home office, so though I have a short commute, I really am "at" work.)
  3. mamajandtheboys

    mamajandtheboys Amity's Focus Member

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    I don't know -- though I think some women are more suited to SAH. I only feel guilty when the kids have to miss out on a party or an invite because I'm working. Otherwise, I can't say I feel guilt. The hospital calls numerous times a week, asking if I can work. I generally can't because I have Scout @ home and need to p/u the boys @ 3. They know that and -- well, I guess I don't feel guilty because it's an impossibility for me most times.
    I feel sort of bad admitting I don't feel guilty going to work. I enjoy the break actually and of course the $$ doesn't hurt!
    My kids tell me they wish I'd stay home, but I think they are beginning to comprehend that if mama doesn't work, all the "extras" go away and well, I've got some kids that like to shopand eat out. :rolleyes::eek:
    :hug: to you, Cindy. I know that it is a tough balance.
  4. LuLu

    LuLu Active Member

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    Same here. I can be a bit of a workaholic. I actually thought that going back to work with an infant would be hard, so I dropped down to sub status but when I keep getting calls to work I go in I got back in the hang of things, those 6 weeks off were really nice though. I'm still getting my 40 hours despite the fact that I stopped being full time LOL. Since I'm doing overnights (often sleep over) Panda doesn't really miss me. She takes a bottle really well and her daddy has the ability to comfort her just as well as I can and I know she's in very good hands.
  5. heythereheather

    heythereheather A reading family

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    I don't know how to give advice, but I do not struggle with guilt at all. I love going to work. I love coming home.

    :hug: for you.
  6. Chickapea

    Chickapea Guest

    I love work, too. It's almost...okay...it IS a break for me. That might be part of my guilt. I really enjoy going to work. I think I may be becoming a workaholic. I REALLY enjoy the money. haha But I enjoy my job, too, the majority of the time. The older 4 all understand that mommy working = lots more extras.

    Honestly, the only one that makes me feel bad about working so much, other than myself, is my husband. I always feel guilty when I work on unscheduled days b/c he works 3rd shift and has to stay awake to watch the kids when I am at work and he gets so irritable, which I get, BUT we knew this is how it would be when I started working this job. I make double what he makes in less time, most days, so it's kind of hard for me to say no to it. It's not feasible to get day care for them, either and he wouldn't agree to it, anyway. I feel guilty and disloyal every time that I say no to work and then every time that I go to work unscheduled, I feel guilty for making DH stay awake to watch the kids. *sigh*

    (Guilt is my main thing, I suppose. Always has been, always will be, about everything. I need to get over it, but have never figured out how.)
  7. mamajandtheboys

    mamajandtheboys Amity's Focus Member

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    Maybe next time you are asked to pick up a shift, ask DH what he *wants* you to do. Tell him you know he's exhausted and maybe leave it up to him? I wonder if you could find maybe a homeschooled teen that could come over and keep the littles occupied while your DH gets some extra sleep.
  8. Chickapea

    Chickapea Guest

    I always ask him before I say yes, if I am not already on the schedule. Any time that they call and ask, I will talk to him first and ask if he cares. Normally he says go ahead, but it doesn't mean he doesn't give me attitude about it. I'm not sure what's up with him, tbh. *sigh* There are two routes that I HAVE TO work on if they call me and ask b/c I could lose my job if not, but the others, I do not have to. It's totally optional, but I do like to be reliable and the more I say no, the less often I will be offered extra work. I am only "promised" one day a week so when I get extra days, I am (almost) always happy.

    I actually just got done (after I posted the post above) talking to DH about maybe finding a babysitter so it wouldn't have to make him lose sleep, etc., etc. and he said no. Grrrr!
  9. momesq

    momesq New Member

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    Hi Chickapea! I really feel your frustration -- I've been trying to balance my work and my kids for over 8 years now, and just want you to know you're not alone. I frequently have this discussion with my work colleagues who are also mothers, and we all struggle with it. I actually found it incredibly comforting to know that my boss, a single mother of two, feels the constant pull. It means we're all in the same boat, and no matter how competent someone looks, she's probably also riddled with self-doubt.

    On the upside, while I think it never goes away entirely, there is a point where you come to accept that you'll never do it perfectly, but you do the best you can. We have to be willing to throw away self-images of ourselves as Superwoman and accept ourselves as Realwomen. So I didn't pick up the living room so it looks like a magazine cover, and I left my files at work unfinished and spread out all over the desk, but I did make a wonderful gazpacho last night and had a great cuddle with my 4 year old. You can only do what you can do, and after that you have to cut yourself a little slack and try again the next day.

    xoxoxox
  10. Barb

    Barb Moderator Staff Member

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    I can't feel guilt because I'm supporting my family right now. There are 4 adults in my home and I'm the only one working full time. So no guilt - dad is full time stay home parent, Chelsey is learning to run the house in terms of housework. You do what you have to do. Theres no guilt - only paying the bills.
    I cuddle my kids after work and we all live for the weekends.
  11. irinam

    irinam Amity's Focus Member

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    I did in the beginning. I felt guilty for being physically not there as a Mom, I also felt guilty for being emotionally "not there" as an employee.

    But, like Barb already said - bills had to be paid.

    I got adjusted though, so yes, you do get used to that :hug:

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