Bullying (just mental ramblings) What do you think?

Discussion in 'Gentle guidance' started by Sunflower_Momma, Nov 26, 2007.

  1. ~*~Seeking*Simplicity~*~

    ~*~Seeking*Simplicity~*~ Amity's Focus Member

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    I dont think engaging in retaliatory violent behaviour is the answer. I think it teaches kids to "get even". I try to teach my children that they are *above* that & I also point out that the negative behaviour of children is often due to poor parenting. I encourage my children to vocalize when others treat them badly. If the situation is not remedied they are expected to *leave* the situation. They are not to allow the other person to continue to treat them badly. If the child in question follows them, come to ME, mama will handle it!
  2. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

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    It's not that I don't understand and see things the way the rest of you are describing, but I'm with Laurie here.

    I have a different definition of bullying.

    I also will not miss a chance to "teach" an impulsive/aggressive kid that their method of communication is not ok rather than just symbolically shrugging my shoulders and giving up. I will help my child communicate to the other child. As and adult I will also communicate with offending child.

    I have heard of long-term instances of kids being tormented and bullied (how do you spell that word? :)) However, I think much of the generic stuff we're talking about is much ado about nothing.

    *slinking away now...*
  3. Maura

    Maura Gene Genie

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    Tough question. I have told Ava that she should ignore rude comments or putdowns and walk away. As far as physical bullying, I told her to tell her teacher. in the First grade she had a fellow student tell her he was going to stab her with a knife. He also made sexually suggestive comments. I told her to always tell her teacher in those instances. (He eventually was expelled from that school due to other factors.) She is pretty quiet and shy, for the most part, so this issue concerns me, but there are times when she really speaks up for herself. One tme she was in the middle of two girls who were fighting over her (typical second graders), and she came to me and said that she wanted to talk with her guidance counselor. I was pretty proud of that.
  4. ChantingMama

    ChantingMama The Divine Miss M

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    For verbal abuse, my kids have been taught to ignore, walk away, get an adult. If someone is physically attacking them, they have the right to stand their ground, and show their strength, however it takes to do it, whatever it takes to show that other person that they have to stop and they mean business. Sadly, some people only understand physical language, and while I wish it wasn't that way, my kids deserve to be safe from violence.

    Kalki is the target of bullies all the time on the field in his rugby games, cause he is d.amn tough, and usually twice the size of anybody else on the field; so they all work to take him down. He has carte blanche to do what it takes to show them he is not intimidated by them. He is such a softie, though, that they frequently get away with the most horrible stuff. :( I have footage of Kalki being clotheslined by this awful little kid, the coach's son of the opposing team, with the worst hit the officials and the ref had ever seen. And then five minutes later, another opposing player hit him again across the throat, and told him to suck it up. Behavior like that I have absolutely no problem with letting them take the consequences. (BTW, the other coach seemed to encourage that behavior, and all the officials and the ref were so shocked they had no clue how to deal with it....the adults in your life are not always going to be able to deal with the problems, so you need to be able to deal with things yourself, too)
  5. Sunflower_Momma

    Sunflower_Momma "Christian"

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    Thanks for all your responses. It is very interesting for me to see what others think, especially those who have older children.
  6. ChantingMama

    ChantingMama The Divine Miss M

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    You know what, I consider hitting and bullying among siblings to not even be in the same category as outside bullying. The actions might be the same, but the motivation is so COMPLETELY different. My kids can be animals, it seems, sometimes, and I have memories of my sisters and I being the same way; and other people always have stories, too. But NONE of us would ever take that out to other people; THAT is what I call bullying. Within the family, well, that is just part of growing up, learning behavior and methods for when you get out into the world. Sucks to be us, though. :p
  7. DixieChick

    DixieChick One Hot Mama!

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    My William is a seriously laid back kid, very tough to provoke. When he was 3, a kid in his class kept calling him a baby. William punched him. Was he provoked? Yep! Did the kid deserve it? yep! Did William get in trouble? yep!

    Hitting is a last resort. William needed to find an adult and ask for help. He was sent home from school, he and I met with Miss Becky and Miss Leonora to discuss what happened. He also had some privileges revoked at home.

    Next time the kid called him a baby, William yelled,"I AM NOT A BABY! STOP SAYING THAT!" he went and found his teacher. That kid didn't pick on my kid anymore.

    William is VERY small for his age, he just is. At age 3, he still had some speech issues, which are very typical, but could easily be construed as "baby talk." This kid obviously decided my kid was a target. When he realized people were watching, he backed off.
  8. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

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    Also, with siblings, just knowing their parents don't think it is ok is helpful.

    Yes, it is never ok to bully or hurt your sibling, but where I take exception as an adult is when parents knowingly turn a blind eye towards it OR they are so wrapped up in their own lives (TV or simply not paying attention) that they truly don't notice.

    I know my sister was brutal to me. Sometimes my folks knew, but much of the time, they simply weren't paying attention or they were leaving it up to us to work it out. Guess what happened? My sister was as good as gold to others and I was the one that got in trouble for "being mean". Kids tend to work it out somewhere.

    In all honesty, things go quite well here. We've spent a great deal of time on relationships and "your family gets your best or no one gets the rest." There are days where they fight, but I am there to keep reminding them of the rules and to help them communicate in a more appropriate fashion. I hope that will be the difference in how my kids perceive their upbringing vs. how I saw mine.

    ETA: Chantingmama I do see your points for sure on sibling "bullying" vs. typical bullying.
  9. ChantingMama

    ChantingMama The Divine Miss M

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    And I completely agree with yours. :) Bullying within families is just as much of a mess as outside bullying, but it's a work in progress, and you can actively DO something about it, change attitudes, change mindsets and behaviours. You are not left standing there trying to deal with someone who you have no control over, who has no long term place in your life, and who you have a limited opportunity to make an impact. And bullying within families is frequently just a response to cabin fever, or processing of other issues with people they feel safest with.

    Bullying OUTSIDE the family is ALSO frequently processing of other issues, but along with much deeper issues...if it is your kid doing the bullying, you have a lot more to work on than just "No hitting", and if it's another kid, you have to deal with the moment, because you are not going home with that kid, and working on long term changes. You deal with what you have got, which isn't much.
  10. ThirtySomething

    ThirtySomething About to burst

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    Beautifully said. :)
  11. LuLu

    LuLu Active Member

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    I wasn't bullied until middle school. The only thing that worked for me was fighting them, they kept threatening to kick my ass so I met up and we got in a fight. I was suspended from school but they left me alone after that.
  12. heythereheather

    heythereheather A reading family

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    Oh, I so agree. Erik is a kid who has both "bullied" and has been bullied. When he is bullying, it is not because he's a mean kid, or he's trying to hurt someone. He doesn't always get how to behave appropriately in social situations, and he imitates what other kids do--except while other kids instinctually know to be subtle about it, Erik doesn't, so he gets caught. ;)

    Anyway, it is sooo helpful to him to have others use positive language while not allowing the behavior. I'm so appreciative of another parent who says, "Mary doesn't like it when you treat her that way. It hurt her feelings." or something like that. It is great when someone goes to the teacher, and the teacher (whom we love) can work it out with them, and talk to Erik about appropriate behavior.

    For example, Erik was having some issues with standing in line--he was pushing and even spit once at another kid. his school is very proactive, so they asked us to come in, and Carl, ERik, and I met with the teacher. We told her some strategies that worked for us, and Erik talked about what would help him. She talked to him about why it was inappropriate behavior, and we talked about how his friends didn't like it. She outlined for him what would happen if he pushed or spit in line (he would have to go to the back of the line and hold her hand), and she and Erik decided on a signal if he seemed to be having difficulty.

    With that great intervention, he started doing great in line. Then there was one day he had a very hard time. After talking to him about it, I found out that he had left the line, then come back, but the kids wouldn't let him come back into his spot. He had no concept of "cutting" in line, and he was so upset that the kids were, in his mind, being mean to him. He responded aggressively, which of course isn't appropriate, but understanding the situation made a big difference in how we dealt with it--we just needed to explain to him the unspoken rules of standing in line.

    Anyway, all that is to say that in those situations, how people often WANT a bully to be handled wouldn't have helped Erik at all. Many schools have the kids stay in from recess, or there is some sort of complex system with colored cards. Instead, we figured out what the issue was, and we dealt with it. It involved another adult caring about Erik, and being willing to see him as a kid, not just as a bully.

    Now, when Erik has been bullied or teased by other kids, I also don't make a big deal out of it, though it really hurts my mama heart. But I do tell him to tell his teacher. Not in a tattling way, but so that she can help that child know that his or her behavior is hurtful and not appropriate.

    Having a child like Erik has made me really sympathetic for kids who are "bullying" though. I realize that many of them may just need to be "taught" what is appropriate behavior, and I'm more than willing to communicate that when necessary.

    I also remember Linda's story with her DD in school--how she went into the school and volunteered for quite awhile, and modeled appropriate behavior and gently corrected inappropriate behavior. That was an inspiration to me.

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