I found out I was pregnant with my second baby in May 2004, just 5
weeks after having a miscarriage. I was very excited and I just knew
this one would stick.  I told myself this pregnancy was going to go
well. I had gone into pre-term labor at 31 wks with my first but kept
her in while on bedrest till 36 weeks. I only breastfed my first for
about 5 months. I had gone back to work and my supply dipped. I had a
hard time keeping it up and eventually I gave up and went to formula.
But this time around, I was a SAHM and determine to give her just
breastmilk for at least the first 2 years.

     My pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I had an ultrasound at 22
weeks to check my cervix. Nice and long and everything was looking
great. I was taking it easy and trying to keep my feet up as much as
possible with a toddler running around. Around 24 weeks, I noticed some
bloody mucous. It wasn't much and I sort of dismissed it at first. Then
overnight something nagged at me that I should go in and get checked.
So I went in that morning and was checked and told I was 2-3 cm
dialated with my water bulging. I freaked and cried uncontrollably. I
couldn't believe this was happening to me. I thought for sure I was
going to lose my baby. They got me to the hospital and I had progressed
to 4 cm. They proceeded to give me the magnesium drip. It was like deja
vu all over again. I got the consult in which the doctors told me the
chances of survival for my baby and what to expect. It's not easy
hearing that your baby, if delivered today, only had a 55% chance of
surviving. Luckily, I was able to hold off and keep my baby in for 6
days. That 6 days makes a big difference when you are at that stage of
pregnancy. She arrived kicking into this world fully intact in her
water bag on 10-11-04, weighing 1 lb. 11 oz., 13 inches.

   Needless to say, I was not able to hold my baby, never mind
breastfeed. But I told them I wanted a pump to start pumping my milk
for her. I only got a few drops the first time, but that was good.
Within a week, I was pumping about 4-6 oz. at a time. My baby was doing
well, considering her prematurity. She had no major complications, just
needed time to grow. I was determined to make breastfeeding work no
matter what. When the time came for her to attempt bottle feeding, she
did great. She guzzled the whole bottle down in no time, which was rare
for a preemie baby. Normally they can only handle a small amount. I
know I could have opted to only have her fed through a tube until
breastfeeding was established, but honestly, at that time just seeing
one less tube hooked up to her was a relief. To me it seemed as though
she was becoming a more normal baby.  Her guzzling the bottles became a
minor issue as she would forget to breathe and have many apnea episodes
while eating.  She eventually resolved that problem. Then about a week
after bottle introduction, I got to try to breastfeed. She actually
latched on well and nursed a few minutes. I was so thrilled and got so
excited to know that this was going to work. Unfortunately, I was only
able to be there for a few hours a day so I could only attempt 1-2
brief attempts. She kept withdrawing further away each time, till the
point where she would scream and flat out refused the breast.  It
seemed she gotten used to the bottle and wanted the immediate
satisfaction from it.

   Each time I went in I still attempted to breastfeed her. It was
difficult trying to breasfeed in the NICU. She wasn't cleared to go to
a family room so I had to feed her right there. It was often crowded
and noisy. Not exactly ideal conditions to attempt to establish
breastfeeding. I kept saying when we get home, things will be better. 
I did take her home 102 days later. I still attempted breastfeeding at
home. Still no luck. She cried and screamed any time she came near my
breast. I tried an SNS, no luck there.  The first few months I tried
almost daily putting her to the breast. She just wanted nothing to do
with it. In some ways, I felt rejected as a mother. How could she
prefer the bottle over the breast?  After a few months of rejection,  I
decided to give up trying. After all, I was still pumping and giving
her my breastmilk, so I was somewhat at peace with that.   It was a
difficult struggle to maintain pumping exclusively while having a
toddler and a newborn baby at home.  I was dedicated and determine to
give her what she deserved, breastmilk.

  About 6 months after she came home, she awoke one night. I went in
and comforted her. I really didn't feel like getting a bottle, so I
thought I'd try soothing her. For some reason I decided to try
breastfeeding. Well, lo and behold she took to it. She seemed like a
pro. I was so shocked and amazed. She nursed about 15 minutes and fell
back asleep. I was so excited and couldn't wait to try it again to see
if it was just a fluke. When she woke in the morning, we tried again
and success! I was on cloud nine; I couldn't believe it. She was
finally nursing. She turned one last week and we are still nursing.
I've even been able to nurse in public quite a few times. I still pump
about  twice a day but it's been such a relief to not have to be tied
to the pump like that. I still plan on breastfeeding her till she's
ready to wean. If you'd told me 6 months ago that I'd be successfully
breastfeeding now, I probably would have laughed and said no way. I
just hope this inspires even just one mom who wasn't able to get her
baby to latch, to keep on trying and never give up