Last year I had
cancer surgery that left me with a large, U-shaped scar on my neck. My
experiences since then have unfortunately initiated me into the world
of rude staring. You see, people seem to think it's okay to stare,
follow it by avoiding any and all eye contact, and then dash away
completely ignoring you. It’s not really the staring that gets me, but
the refusal afterwards to look me in the eye. I know you were staring,
so why not look at me and acknowledge me, too?

My hope is that this post might bring some enlightenment and
understanding to people who aren’t visibly scarred from those of us who
are. It is in no way meant to be mean or rude, only to teach, so I hope
it comes across that way.

 1.     Those
of us who have scars or ”flaws” know that they are obvious. We realize
that you’re going to see it and be a little shocked. We’re fine with
that. Afterwards, though, please look us in the eyes, smile, and
acknowledge us. It lets us know that you may be taken aback, but that
you still care.

 

 2.     Having
these scars means that we’ve either been through something traumatic or
had a surgery that saved our lives. We already feel self-conscious
enough, so please don’t add to that. Again, look at us and if you’d
like to know why we have these scars, just ask. Usually we’re happy to
answer you and share our experiences. If not, then we’ll tell you but
at least you will have asked and maybe you’ll learn something new.

 

 3.    Please
don’t “shush” your children when they point and ask questions or hurry
them away. They are curious by nature and only want to learn. They’re
not being rude, only noticing the obvious. All you do when you quiet
them or hurry them away is teach them that asking is bad, something
must be wrong with the person, and we should be avoided. You might not
realize it but this IS what you are doing. Again, if we don’t want to
answer their questions we can tell them so ourselves. Most times,
though, I know it makes me happy to hear them ask.

 

 4.     We
really are still just like you. We do everything the same as you every
day. The only difference is that we are physically “flawed” is all.
That doesn’t make us any less of a person or our feelings any less
important. We are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles,
and grandparents, just like everyone else.

 

 5.     Please
just don’t stare, period. Look, ask questions, but don’t stare or make
awful faces. We can see you do both. We don’t want to have these scars.
It’s not like we asked for them and again, we’ve obviously been through
something pretty big to get them.

 

 6.     Be
proud of us. Support us. Congratulate us because you see, we are
survivors. Survivors of cancer, abuse, accidents, and so many other
things. It doesn’t matter what happened to make us scarred, just that
we survived it and now live with these scars. We shouldn’t be made to
feel ashamed for surviving.

 

Unfortunately, our
society has taught us that it is rude to ask questions and wrong to be
different. Considering that it’s our inquisitive minds and differences
that make us each special, this is such a silly thing. Being different
in ANY way is just that… different. It’s not bad, obscene, disgusting,
or a blemish. It’s just different.

In general, just remember that we are still people too and we are
actually the ones living with this. I don’t just say this for people
who may be scarred, but for anyone who may seem “different”. It doesn’t
make us less human. If anything, it might make us more human because we
are now more sensitive to the pain of others. Show us the kindness you
would want to be shown if you were in our shoes. I’d be willing to bet
you’ll get the same in return.