divMy husband and I planned to have a second child, so one would
think that I'd be filled with joy in finding out I was pregnant for the
second time.  I wasn't filled with joy.  I was filled with guilt.  I
was filled with fear.  I felt I had cheated my first daughter,
Kayla, out of time alone with me. I feared how her life would change. I
apologized to her over and over during my eight months of pregnancy. 
She'd just look at me with innocent eyes. 
div 
divThen, due to pre-eclampsia, I had to be induced to deliver my
second child.  I wasn't ready.  There were so many things I still
wanted to do with Kayla....alone.  There were so many things I wanted
to say to her so she'd know that I loved her with every bit of my
heart.  I was submersed in my guilt, and sobbed through the 40-minute
drive to the hospital.
div 
divThe delivery was quick and smooth.  Before I had a chance to
prepare, there was a baby girl, Savanna Grace, laying on my chest.  She
was beautiful... she was a part of our family...a second daughter - a
sister.  The moment she was in my arms, I couldn't imagine life without
her.  The guilt, fear, and the sadness had been replaced by joy and
excitement.
div 
divKayla came into the hospital room with a look of awe in her
eyes...she looked at her new baby sister with such love.  She kissed me
and looked at me deeply... as if to thank me for giving her the gift of
sisterhood.   
div 
divKayla was excited to share our home with her new sister...more
excited than I had ever guessed she'd be.  Those first weeks weren't
nearly as difficult as I had imagined.   Savanna napped so much that
time to help Kayla transition to sharing Mommy came easily.  I napped
with them both in bed with me.  I made sure Kayla was involved in
bathing the baby.  I made sure she knew that when the baby was nursing,
she was always welcome to come and talk and read with me.   Each day
came naturally... and each day found joy.



Savanna is 22 months old and a big sister herself!  We've just welcomed
a baby boy, Andrew, into our family.   I found there was less guilt in
bringing a third child into our home... though still, it was there...
and I faced it the same as I did before.  Kayla and Savanna both adore
their brother and invited him into our home with open arms.   I just
know they will be three strong, supportive siblings... friends, even...
and they will be grateful for one another.   I know if they could,
they'd thank me for the gift of a life shared with one another. 
div 
That fear and sadness that I felt so intensely was a normal part
of the transition from one child to two (or more).   It felt so deep
then... but now I just truly cannot imagine life without them all.  My
heart is so full of love for them.  I've learned that there is a
beautiful, natural way of loving that a Mother masters before she even
has a child... and that love doesn't divide with the birth of a second
child... it simply grows.   When I was pregnant with Savanna, I feared
things would never be the same... and I was right... things have
definitely not been the same.  They've been better.