(Alternative title - This is much harder than birthing babies!)



        So, you've been raising your babies into loving, attached
children and now one of them has turned 13. Welcome to the teenage
years.



        At least you should know you're not alone. Mothers all over the
planet are having the same thoughts you are - and mostly it sounds like
this: "How the heck am I going to keep him/her safe now?"



        The world is not safe, but with the little ones we can keep
them close so our eyes and hands are always near to protect them. We
cosleep, breastfeed, babywear and teach them gently. As they get older,
we have to let go a little bit here and there, and that is so hard.
They move into their own rooms and want privacy and are away from home
more. We start allowing them to attend birthday parties and sleepovers,
field trips and the occasional mall outing. These times apart makes us
cringe and wring our hands the whole time they're gone. Parenting a
teenager doesn't mean we worry less because they're more able to care
for themselves. We actually seem to worry more because they're further
away from us.



        So what do we do to help keep them attached and continue gentle parenting?



        You know the answer as well as I do. It's what it's been about
since they were able to talk - it's all about communication. Talking.
Often. Talking about what they're reading, what they are watching on
television, what they are learning in school, who they are spending
time with, and anything else under the sun. Keeping our teens talking
is imperative. Talking about sex, talking about smoking, talking about
what other teens are doing and not doing is the key to keeping our kids
safe, in my opinion.



        To me, the other important thing is keeping them involved in
activities that they love and praising them for doing a great job in
those activities whether they're into sports, writing, playing music,
or community service with church or other organizations.



        With teens it is really easy (at least it's been for me) to
fall into the trap of looking at all the stuff they do that drives you
crazy instead of looking at how amazing they really are becoming. Most
teens will forget to take out the trash, they roll their eyes on
occasion, throw out a sarcastic comment, or generally just annoy mom
and dad. When my teen is pushing my buttons, I try to take a deep
breath and remember how lucky I really am that she is exhibiting
"normal" teen behavior and not some of the horrors  we read about in
the newspapers or see on television.



        Discipline with a teen is tough, too. I'm all about natural
consequences and grace-based discipline. I think a lot of it with teens
is about semantics and how things are presented to them. If my
daughter's grades drop I don't "ground" her; instead, I frame it that
maybe she is becoming unfocused and we need to get rid of some
distractions so that  we can help her to refocus on her role/job as a
student. So we'll limit phone and tv and work with her at the table on
things giving her trouble. She helps make that decision with us.  If
she's being more sarcastic or mouthy (or simply not being nice to
younger siblings), then maybe she needs to spend more time with them
doing things to help her remember how much she loves them and how
important they are to her (and she to them).



        Spending time with my teenager is truly a blessing. She is
smart, funny, kind, generous and is simply becoming  a more interesting
person to spend time with on a daily basis. I really enjoy her company.
And she still manages to drive me to the edge of my sanity at least
once a week by a snippy comment, or by forgetting something important,
or stressing me out about her future because she does poorly in a class
in school.



        Like any other age group, I think the biggest thing is that we
need support. We parents of teens need to talk (online and in real
life) and figure out what works and what doesn't, to share tips and
tricks, and reassure each other that we will (and our teens will)
survive this time of life. To discuss issues like driving, dating,
talking to our teens about AIDS, birth control, celibacy, God, and all
the other things we will be talking to them about.



        Parenting a teen is hard work, but also a lot of fun. It's
incredible to see that baby who you nursed grow into a  young man or
woman.